How Can You Heal The Parts Of You That Hold Resentment?

Consequences from trauma that I wouldn’t understand until early adulthood

I had this prompt sitting open on the blank page most of the morning. I thought about it on and off then came back to it before lunch asking “what resentments do I have?”

My childhood wasn’t easy. The difficulty began with my mother’s death when I was just three months old. There were consequences from this trauma that I wouldn’t understand until early adulthood. Those primarily being that my brother, who was three years old when she passed, grew to resent me. Unintentionally blaming me for losing his mother. Pretty basic. He had a mother, then he got a brother, then he lost his mother. It was my fault. Even though it, of course, was not.

Then there was my father, who fell apart for a few years. During those early formative years, my upbringing shifted between Grandparents who came from the old country to help out and then Godparents and friends. Stability was lacking.

Even so, I can’t say that growing up, “I lost my childhood.” My father remarried when I had turned five and family life was rebuilt. Then I got a little sister and my place in the middle might as well have been a place on the outside. But still, I had a good childhood. Everything was provided for, I was raised in one of the most beautiful mountain towns in the country, if not the world.

So what did I resent? My name. You see, my hometown in Canada is in the high alpine. A mining town, with logging and forestry the second industry and tourism the third.

The town was comprised of mainly Canadian families. Descendants of Irish, English, Scots, and Germans. Most of which were many generations established. Most parents had the wisdom to name their children good, solid, safe Canadian names. Mikes, David's, Jason's, Darren's, Stevens, Patrick's, and Shane's, littered the school attendance lists. Brandon was considered exotic. There was one singular, true, oddity in the crowd. An “Arpad.” Shortened to the Hungarian, “Arpy.” This didn’t make my life any easier and kept me on the fringe of acceptability among peers my entire childhood and adolescence.

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